What even is connection?
It’s been a minute peeps, work, life, more life, trying to balance everything, maybe a little dark and stormy again – the last 4 weeks have been A LOT. I feel like the last 13 months have been one eye opening hard look inside myself after another.
One thing that Brandi and I have talked about before is me making true connections with people. I mean connections where I let the other person actually see me – not the version of me I want them to see. To be honest, I don’t know if I have ever really let anyone in. I want to, I thought I had but after my session on Friday it felt like my whole world was turned upside down. So why don’t I?
I think in order to solve this one we need to rewind to 1991. Now, I’m sure everyone’s version of 1991 to present is different but this is my blog – so, feel free to start your own. I spent years completely and horrifically shut down, I didn’t love myself, I didn’t know how anymore. I put all of my self worth into what other people thought of me, looked for love, validation and belonging in all of the wrong places from all of the wrong people. I was a doormat, manipulated, moving from place to place thinking the key to happiness was in another’s persons hands. I was never enough, never good enough, never thin enough, never cool enough – I worked so hard to feel like I belonged somewhere. I never ever felt heard, everyone talked at me not to me. I never felt like I mattered, or my voice mattered, even if I spoke I’d just be told what I was feeling was wrong or it became about someone else – so I stopped. I became who I needed to in order to “survive” mentally.
This is the part of the story where people will say “to those who wronged me, hurt me or used me, I forgive you” … not me, fuck you. However, I will say that despite the work I have left to do, I want to call a truce with the universe. I hear you, I’m working on me, working on healthy, working on being enough, working on happy(er), and sticking it to the patriarchy.
Bevvie, I’m so proud to call you Mom.
