Light in the sadness…
Well, tomorrow officially marks one year since the passing of my Dad. Right about now Nik, Ams and I are trying to set things up so we can trade shifts and sleep, someone always awake and watching Dad. I’m discovering that Amy fits well in a hospital chair (think “smurfette” love you!). Amy is discovering the joys of Corn Bran and like always we’re masking fear, grief and sadness with humor. Dad was “asleep” a few days before this and we knew it’s just a matter of time. Even though you know time is short it’s something that I don’t think you can even comprehend until months after loss. It still weighs very heavily on my heart that Nicole had to hear that last breath, this is the kind of stuff that you’re biologically programmed to protect your little sister from. Don’t worry guys, she woke me up by kicking me in true sister fashion. The whole thing was like an out of body experience and it happened so so so fast. From the last breath to the celebration of life, just a blur. I will never know how to say thank you to my Auntie for calling us home. I can still see my Dads face, watch him cry and hear him say “I thought I was never going to see you again”. It breaks something inside of you when you lose a parent, especially at 66.
The last year has been HARD, and it has been BEAUTIFUL. You have to go on living, they wouldn’t want you to spend too much time fussing over them. It went a little something like this:
Back to work way too soon, no really I’m FINE
Therapy – Brandi you are my angel
Going through the motions, just in a fog
Dad candle trip around South AB
Moderate to Severe NAFLD diagnosis
Said fuck this and did Gastric Bypass
5 weeks of liquid diet
Montreal with Nik and Mom
Learning how to eat again
No more blood pressure & diabetes meds
One hat vomit down 4th Ave
I wish more then anything it didn’t take the death of my father to wake me up from this lifestyle, to really tell myself I deserved the world, I deserved to feel good, I was enough – but it did. If you knew my Dad you’d know it is poetic for him to take credit for my bariatric journey … lol
So, I guess it’s thanks Dad for the push. I love you, I miss you and I hope you and Jojo are having a blast together and taking turns rubbing each others bellies.
Also – thanks to me for having the courage to grow, learn and take control of my life. It takes a village, my village and I love you all so much.
