Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
It’s been a minute, hey? Life got busy, changes at work, learning and living my new “space for Tracy” life. I have been going to the gym for my physical and mental health and I even started Pilates classes which I love.
It’s been really challenging trying to figure out how to put myself first, be present and effective at work, be a good wife and doggie Mom, and do things with friends that fill my cup. I already see myself slipping back into old habits, not prioritizing myself and making my entire identity my job. So, here I am making time for my story and my voice, not being perfect but making sure I do what I need to be the best version of me.
I’m still working on genuine connections with people, making space for human feeling and emotion (mine and others) – for me it’s really much harder than it sounds. When you spend the better part of your life managing others reactions and emotions, the impact is there is little to no space for how you feel. For me it’s either not allowing myself to have feelings or exactly the opposite and turning into The Hulk.
Also – There’s something to be said for being Gen X, we’re just not interested in the bull shit. We were raised by Tupac and Biggie, we were home alone by age 10 and smoking behind the big rock at the school by 12. I saw more shit by 17 than others see in a lifetime – NO RAGRETS. It’s ok Bevvie, everyone was doing it… lol
I do want to be clear though, we all have our shit. No one gets through life without some scars. We are who we are now because of the life experiences we had, the support systems who helped and the little doggie who taught you what unconditional love is (as long as you have snacks). I wanted more for myself than what I saw in the mirror at 24, I think I did ok.
I wish I could tell the chubby kid who lived in a trailer, went through a hard divorce young and went a little off the rails that life gets much better. There’s still some pretty awful shit to come, but you find yourself, your people and by some miracle you find your waist line (PS, your tits shrink a lot and gravity is not your friend).
