Season of Change
My therapy session this week was equal parts awful and groundbreaking. Opening things that want to remain locked up, especially after nearly a year of heavy self work, thirty years of blaming yourself, and every damn thing in between - how do I find the capacity to just keep going? If you want to know that answer to that, I can tell you it’s not in this post …..
But, that’s show biz baby - gotta keep moving forward. Opening this one was the actual last thing I ever wanted to do, it squared up with me immediately and I wasn’t sure if I’d make any progress for a while. Sparing you the details, the next day while singing Pink Pony Club loudly to Angus in the car (he was not impressed), I lost my breath, tears, my whole body let out this huge sigh - this was not my fault (please note, Angus was actively looking for exits at this point). None of it was, this incident, the shit I have been carrying, all of it - it’s not my fault, it’s not mine to carry.
Even now as I type this, it feels surreal how much lighter my mental and physical load feels.
I think I could probably count on my fingers and toes how many times I’ve genuinely been laughing out loud happy and showed up as simply Tracy in the last 10 years. This weekend, surrounded by people who make me feel safe to show “me”, no expectations, no judgement (maybe some during my dance solo-thank you again pink pony club 🙄), just take me as I am and me them - I felt alive, comfortable, happy… SAFE.
What a word, safe. It can mean so many different things, unique to each human. For me, it’s knowing that I can be weird, off beat, crack awful jokes, laugh at things with the maturity of a 13 year old boy, talk non-stop, have zero inside thoughts and no one tells me I’m wrong, or makes me feel bad or self conscious, or makes me second guess myself forcing me back into that box where I shut down and mask to fit in. It lets me live with my whole heart, it gives me the ability to love and be loved in ways I haven’t experienced in a long time, maybe ever.
I can’t explain what shifted for me Thursday night, but we took a giant leap forward in the “Tracy is worthy” battle.
To my safe circle, I don’t think you will ever truly know what it means to me to have had that moment of complete acceptance and safety - thank you. Now, I need to go put some heat on my hip and hydrate.
Jimmy, if you read this - thank you for being the steady Eddy through every season of life the last 20 years threw at us.
