Mic Check …. 1..2..3…
Well, here we are. It’s been months since my last post, what the hell happens to time once you reach your 40’s? It’s bad enough we’re all face to face with our mid-life crises you think time would fuck off and let us just catch up.
Quick summary for my loyal readers (shout out to Mom and Eagle Eye).
Ran(ish) a 5K - best hug at the end of that which I will remember for the rest of my life. Katherine crushed it in 28 minutes.
Got a 7 month old velociraptor, who we love (also, if you have friends going through it, I mean THROUGH IT, don’t let them get a puppy) it won’t fill the void but it will probably bite it in the face. Yes, he’s also a service animal.
Went back to work, different type of role for me yet, not different at all in some ways?Trauma, you fickle bitch.
I don’t know how many of you have ever done real therapy, like the deep trauma, EMDR, poke holes in everything you thought you knew th-er-a-py…. While I highly recommend it if you’re open to it, sometimes I wish I could just take a pill and everything would make sense, my nervous system would calm the hell down and I’d stop trying to fight men.
Anyhoodles, therapy is going well….
Boundaries are a funny concept hey? Sometimes we feel like we have them, when someone comes along and steps on one, we have this overwhelming blinding rage - sis, just FYI that might be your trauma peeking out. HOWEVER, need to shout out the wins that happen because it takes a lot to get here. For the first time in my life I calmly (yes, calmly), had a conversation where I said something like “This is about me, what I am no longer willing to let into my life, what I can’t allow myself to be part of anymore”, knowing full well there were two potential reactions and I was at peace with either, because I chose me. I didn’t chose anyone else’s peace or version of me, I didn’t adapt, change, manage others expectations, I didn’t scream or get worked up.
IS THIS HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES!?!?! Like honestly, do people just naturally have this grounded ability? Who are they, where do they congregate, I need answers.
While I continue to manage nervous system purgatory, I’m constantly faced with trying to figure out who I am, what I love to do, where do I find my happiness (other than Friday nights with Patrick’s Ninja Slushy machine). My whole life I soothed my system with food, then after surgery with shopping, I still soothe at the gym but that’s one I’ll keep (you’d understand if you saw these quads). I simply just don’t know right now, and as hard as it is we have to just be ok with these voids as we heal ourselves - isn’t this is the part where some optimistic arsehole says “it’s the journey, not the destination” ya well, be great if I could get off this particular fucking train soon Susan, thanks.
I swear I always start these posts with a plan, then somewhere near the half way point I just lose all conscious direction. Either way, I think my point is that shit is hard, if you deal with it or don’t deal with it it’s still hard, but one version lets you finally choose you - and that’s pretty god damn amazing.
