So, now what?
People have said to me a lot in the last year that ‘life isn’t linear’, I don’t think I really understood the significance until recently.
I have walked through life always telling myself things like “I’ll have made it and I will happy when”:
– I can buy a single dwelling house in a subdivision
– I make a salary of $100K a year
– I am manager at work
– I can buy myself things take vacations and not worry every single day about finances
I’m not sure how, when or why my definition of success (and happy) was 100% rooted in what I could afford and how fast I could grow my career. Some might say they lost themselves along the way, I’m not sure I ever really let myself know myself.
So here I am, 43 (mid-life as Bevvie so graciously pointed out). Who am I? What does happiness and success look like for me? What in the hell am I working towards, and how do I figure this out? I don’t really know the answer, but I can tell you it isn’t where I am.
Death and grief change you, even if you can’t consciously see it as it’s happening. Therapy is amazing until you have some personal insight and then realize “wow, it’s so much worse than I thought” … hahahahelpmehahahaha. Sometimes I think I should have just left well enough alone, buried it all deep down in the depths of my trauma and not kicked open Pandora’s box but, I don’t think I’m here on this earth to just go through the motions of life.
So what next? Great question, I have no idea. Short term, rest, support, baby steps, focus on me and what I need; all made possible by a support system I am very grateful for. I’m paraphrasing of course, but you get me.
Post surgery progress – the single best decision I have ever made for myself was having gastric bypass. Yes, the mental work is still ongoing (see above…) but it is important for everyone on this journey to understand, it’s sooo much more than food and genetics that lead to obesity. If you’re reading this, I hope you love yourself for the messy human you are and if you don’t, start trying to understand why, get yourself help and start learning – if I can kick the door open and look in the mirror you can too.
