Masking the Dark & Finding the Light
I’ve got two full weeks of unemployment under my belt, not really sure what I expected but in true me fashion life’s been an F4 tornado. Without getting too detailed, I’ll give you the Coles notes:
New meds (this is fffffuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn for no one).
Got a puppy, we call him “Angus drop it”, “Angus don’t eat that”, “Angus no biting”.
I went to Co-Op late at night, bought cinnamon buns and ginger molasses cookies. Stopped at the weed store, chatted and shared said cookies with the staff (who God love them never judged my OBVIOUS mental state)
Spent some time reviewing my career accomplishments, abilities, some key things I’ve done and for the first time in a long time, honestly maybe ever I realised the value of my contributions and my capabilities.
I let myself mourn, not for the job but for the life, the experiences and friendships over the last 17 years.
Had an informal conversation for a term position for the first time since 2008 - WILD. Nik and I were chatting before hand and it hit me, even though I haven’t been in the job market, as a woman I’ve had to sell my capabilities and fight for my position, to be heard and to be respected in certain rooms my entire career.
Made some great progress on my personal training certification, I’m really looking forward to what’s next in that area of my life.
I think I want to spend a bit of time today talking about the last two years and how it all came to this inevitable point in my life. I know I have spent A LOT of time talking about this topic but, I truly feel the everyday hard side of life just gets swept under the rug or “masked” because it’s uncomfortable for everyone. Hard things are uncomfortable. Stay with me, I promise there is a positive message and some inappropriate jokes coming.
I hadn’t been ok for a really long time, but I had no idea. I was a pro at masking, making sure I showed up for everyone the way they needed me to, keeping the peace (in most situations), while simultaneously exploding when triggered. As time went on, the severity of my reactions lessened but not because they weren’t happening but because I had to mask “better” and control it [just keep pushing the feelings and trauma deeper and deeper and deeper].
When Dad died, something inside of me broke, I didn’t know it then but the dam cracked and life came pouring out. You could say one last “gift” from dear old Dad was not being able to keep hiding behind the mental traumas anymore. I say gift because, as fucking hard as this has been, as much as it’s broken me down I get to own rebuilding myself. The darkness is scary, but putting in the work, letting people help you, being kind and patient with yourself will pull you out and show you all of the amazing things about yourself you couldn’t see before. Sometimes letting myself feel things is scary and I still hate crying, but here I am, bawling like I’m Bevvie Jo doing literally anything - love you Mom.
My sister, my Mom, Katherine, Jeannie, Debbie, Chris (despite these frigging Dad jokes) - I’ve said this before I’ll say it again, thank you. When shit gets dark, it’s about the ones who show up for you, have your back in rooms you’re not in and never stop checking in.
Jimmy - You cause most of my stress, but you also feel like home. For the love of god pick up your feet when you walk and chew quieter, love you.
My Ridge crew - you’re like an entire cheerleading squad, only with plaid and booze instead of pompom’s. Only five more weekends until we’re freezing our asses off outside, enjoying the start of the season.
Even though it’s still dark and stormy some days, they are happening less and less. I truly am grateful for this crazy life and the people in it. Also, if I heal so much much I start listening to my sisters advise the first time she offers it, someone please do an intervention.
