I wore the dress

I ventured out to my first social event last night, my anxiety driving to the venue was 20/10 – partly because it was the first time I’d seen folks in nearly four weeks, partly because Jimmy was driving my car in suppertime traffic. Downtown traffic requires a certain level of unresolved trauma and aggression, Jim has neither.

I have changed in my physical appearance quite quickly, I’ve talked a lot to my therapist about how to respond, do I respond, do I owe anyone anything in the form of an explanation – I really went into this night not having a clue what avenue I was going to take. Before I get into that, I need to tell you all what I wore. I have had this dress in my closet for probably five years. Sleeveless, sequins of all different colors. It has traveled many places with me, including Vegas – nothing felt right and the tags remained on. I made a decision a month ago that if I felt good enough to attend the party I was wearing that dress. I even wore tights, you’ll be happy to know I snagged them on my finger nail and put a hole in them while I was putting them on. Anyhoodles, I put that dress on, it was a bit big but it felt RIGHT. We both waited all of these years for this dress moment, and it was magical. As I’m looking at myself in the mirror (it was a quick look, you all know I was running late), so I’m looking in the mirror and the girls look great, but there is this indent underneath of them and then a slight bump of my stomach. Wait, have my boobs and stomach become two separate entities? When the fuck did this happen?

I’m so glad I went out, all of my lead up anxiety was for nothing, which anxiety typically is. I don’t know exactly how or when, but I become surrounded by a circle of friends who are the most caring, genuine, supportive oddballs ever. I don’t know if I will ever be able to express how grateful I am for them all. Things did become a little overwhelming at times but I was ready for it and Jimmy never left my side, no really I tried to lose him a few times, unsuccessful. By 9:30, I was done-skis! I silently rapped “This is How we Do it” along with the band (my version was much more authentic), then called it a night. My on stage rapping days are over, nothing will ever top the Vanilla Ice of 2018.

So, all in all it was a successful outing. My first Christmas party without food or booze, no cold cut midnight lunch this year! Hahahah!